24 Apr

I don’t know how to explain myself. 

I don’t talk when I’m around strangers, and if they don’t try and have a conversation with me I will always see them as strangers. Like with my family, I don’t say anything when something bothers me so they just ignore me and blame my isolation on me. 

I’m always angry, I don’t know how not to be. I wish I could just not give a shit about everything and won’t let people annoy me so easily. 

Not being able to talk to strangers keeps me from going on dates, because what’s the point if I’ll just sit there and won’t say anything. 

I never say what’s bothering me and I guess everything is just stuck inside me and this is why I’m mad and annoyed all the time, and I don’t want to be. 

I can’t go to therapy, I tried that, and you guessed it: I set there for an hour and stared at the wall. 

I’m just tired and I just want to be normal. And I hate myself for being like this. 

Buffy will always matter

6 Mar

Buffy The Vampire Slayer is 20 this week, and I know that there’s a lot of “What I learned from it” posts on the internet but I wanted to made my own because this wasn’t just another TV show for me, it was a lot more than that.

Buffy taught me about feminism obviously, she taught me that you don’t need a man or to be in a relationship to be happy. That somethims being alone is better, that “No guy is worth your life, not ever”.

She taught me philosophy, existentialism and absord. She open my ming to sci-fi and other shows and movies. She taught me English and sarcasm.

She taught me that everyone’s lives matter, even the ones you truly hate, the really bad people, their lives matter. Good and evil is not black and white, “bad guys” can be good and “good guys” can be bad. You can’t believe everything people say, you need to get to the truth yourself. Criticize the world and be curious about everything, ask questions even if you think they’re stupid.

She taught me that bad things happens for no reason and without warning, life is random. That it doesn’t take a day to get over the bad things that happens to you, sometimes you never get over them. But the most important thing is that you keep going, you keep fighting, because “Strong is fighting”. That “That hardest thing in this world is to live in it”.

She taught me that friendship is based on trust and loyalty and that family is not necessarily blood. That you are who you are and if other people don’t like it it’s their problem. Never change who you are just because other people think you should. The people who will matter in your life will always be there for you.

She taught me all of this and more when I was just a shy 12 year girl with no friends. When I haven’t talked to anyone all day, never said a word she made me reach out and find friends online on blogs and message board, friends from all over the world that are still with me to this day.

She saved my life. A lot.

20 Feb

Remember the A hole dentist that traumatized me? Well I went back to him so he’d fix what he did and so I could actually close my mouth and I went with a friend. 

Now this was the friend who tried to help and ask my brother for help so she knew how I felt aftet and she knew I was mad at him. Nevertheless she decided to bring her own x rays so he’d look at them. And if it wasn’t clear to her that it’s NOT cool I made it clear that same day. 

Because IMO, and correct me if I’m wrong, telling him you want him to treat you kind of say to him (and everyone else ) that you believe he did nothing wrong. Right?  So I told her that it really hurt me and that this is what it means. It means she agrees with him, even though she saw how I was afterwards. 

And now I found out that she still talks to him and plan to go see him. 

Now maybe I give to much meaning to the word friendship, I really don’t know because I don’t have many friends, even the ones I have I don’t trust (I guess this is why). But personally I would never do anything to hurt them, no matter what. 

This friend is also friends with people I don’t really like, and that’s cool, but I told her that it’s really insulting that she spends more time with them and just ignore me. Now every time I tell her something like this she say “it’s all in your head”. But when she doesn’t tell me things and then ansewr me like a complete bitch, because in her head I already know something she never told me, she gets mad that I’m mad at her. 

You see, it’s fine when she treat me like garbage but when I call her on it she gets hurt. 

And this is why I trust no one and I’m alone. Because everyone are just shit. 

30 Oct

Apparently my friends now think that every little thing I do is annoying just because there’s this new girl at work who doesn’t like me.

I feel like I’m in fucking high school again.

And what’s hurt the most is that they don’t see that they are different around me. I asked one of them if she wants to go out for a drink (which she knows means “I need someone to talk to”), and she said she prefer to go for a show with the new girl and my other friend.
So I basically just spent the night crying by myself.

Back in the cave

17 Oct

TVwatch85

Yesterday I tried to have a conversation with a friend about the new Pixar short film Borrowed Time. Now this friend is a film student and she goes to lectures about films and all that.

But when I tried to start a debate about this, and what I think about the issue, she blocked me and wasn’t very interested to talk about it. Now I don’t know if this is because she think I have no idea what I’m tallking about (tho I do have a B.A in the subject, she doesn’t know this). Or because she just doesn’t want to share or talk about what she knows.

But this is something that happens a lot lately, pepole just don’t talk about things, like really talk about them you know?

This is also the problem I have with this short film.

I mean yeah cool, this is a fucking awesome film but why don’t…

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I’m done

3 Oct

so you know by now that my brother is an asshole, and that he doesn’t care about me.

well, yesterday was Rosh Hashna and we were invited to our cousiens, but I didn’t go becuase I really don’t want to see him. He think he can act like nothing happened, and like he did me this big favor so I can’t be mad at him, you see, I’m the bad person here of course.

So I didn’t go, I stayed home crying instead. And of course no one cared enough to call or text because no one cares about me, not even my family.

Well then, I’m done!

I’m done with people treating me like crap! I’m done with caring about people who don’t even give a shit about me! I’m not gonna be like my mother, I’m not gonna let people shit all over me and eat myself up about it until it killes me.

I’M DONE!

If my own brother think he can treat me like crap just because I’m boring, or just because I won’t share my feelings with him, (becuase he just keeps proving I should do that right?) then he can go fuck himself for all I care.

If you don’t give a shit about me, I won’t give a shit about you.

This is my new year desicion.

 

 

 

22 Aug

Maybe I’m really a terrible person and I deserve this shit from people, because I really don’t know why everyone treat me like crap.