24 Apr

I don’t have friends, never had. I don’t mean like acquaintance, I have those, you might refer to them as “work friends” “school friends” “Facebook friends” or even “internet friends”.

I’m talking about REAL friends, the ones you talk to every day and go out with every week, the once that will be there for you, the once you know you can call if something good or bad happens. I don’t have friends. When my mother died I had no one to call to. It goes to family too, you know how sometimes your siblings are your best friends? Well, not for me, we barely talk.

And for years I thought that it’s because I’m a shitty, annoying person that no one wants to be around. And it is my fault, but not because of those reasons, it’s my fault because I’m a boring person.

Friendship is based on gossip, you tell me everything about you, all your secrets and I’ll do the same. You can’t have friends if you don’t have a life, if you have nothing to tell people. You can’t talk about other people you meet if you never meet anyone, you can’t tell about you love life if you don’t have any… And how much of the same boring “yeah I was just depressed and along sitting in my room watching TV” do you think people can take? How long will they even care? Well, not long.

So people think that you’re a very private and a very closed person, when in fact you have nothing to say. When in actuality you just don’t want to bore them to death. So they go and they talk to other people and they keep you out of the group, even when you’re “in” that group, you don’t really know anything. You’re the last one who get invited to things, the last one people address to…

So not only you have no life, you have no friends, which means you have no life and all you are left with is sitting alone in your room watching TV in the dark.

Aside 10 Sep

I don’t know if I should go to a Psychiatrist and ask for antidepressants. On one hand I don’t want to relay on pills to feel better, and I don’t think I really need them (if people weren’t shit and I had a job I think I’d be better).

But on the other hand I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I can’t take it anymore

8 Sep

I just want to die.


So that was the last few days:

On Wednesday my brothers were at my aunt for dinner, and of course no one told me. So I get a message

“where are you?” 

“where am I suppose to be?”

“at our aunt” 

“thanks for the notice”

Of course they were like “oh ok, she’s not coming let’s just eat”, and when I call them about being ass holes they blame me for not caring about myself because “if I won’t no one else will”. I blame them for forgetting about me and not caring and they respond in “yeah we don’t care”. Great.

So that was my fault.

On Thursday it was my birthday, of course that 90% of my very few “friends” forgot about it. They still don’y know they did. 

And today my brother told me to download something using HIS istore account and when I told him I need his password of course the blame went to…. Did you guess? Yep ME!

“you’re doing something wrong, you didn’t download it right, you didn’t use the right link”  


So that’s the people who surround me, and they make me feel like shit, and I just don’t see the point in continuing living  

The Invisible Girl

16 Aug

So last week me and my brother went to our aunt for friday night dinner. 

And you know when people talk and the you say something but no one listen, and then a couple of minutes later someone says exactly what you did but in a way like they just thought about it?

So that was the whole night, me saying things and a couple of minutes later my brother repeat what I said like it was his idea.

My aunt did the same only she recognized me, so not the same. I said that something reminds me of something else, and a couple of minutes later she said “it does look the same”.

Other then that, my brother and two cousins made plans to go to a comedy show this weekend, they did their best not to invite me by not not invite me. And a couple of minutes ago my cousin checked in with both of them on Facebook.

My own family hates me and don’t want to spend time with me, and then wonders why I’m shy and have trust issues. If people who “knows” me don’t care why would total strangers will? 

I guess I’m really a shitty person who just damned to be alone for the rest of her life   

Nothing New

5 Jul

I still haven’t found a job. 

I go to job interviews, but I really bad at them. I can’t “sell” myself, I don’t think I’m good enough for the job and I know they can fund someone better. I don’t have strengths, and I really hate talking to people.

And every time I send my resume and don’t get an answer, or I go to an interview and get rejected, I hate myself more. I will never have a normal life, friends, boyfriend, family…

And my dad way to “motivate” me is to not buy food and hygiene products, and to claim he has no money (and I know that it’s a lie).

 And I don’t know why I don’t just kill myself and get it over with    

This Is Me

31 May

I never talk about how I feel and what I’m going trough, that’s why I don’t really have friends, I just don’t want to burden people with my shitty life. Everyone in my family don’t give a shit about me so I guess I just assume it’s all my fault. And if I’ll talk about it people will think I’m just stupid because I act the way I do.

My mom was the only one who cared about me, or at least show it, or pretended, but she’s gone. My dad never show any care for any of us. 

My last job was a nightmare, the people were awful, the boss was awful, it was the worst place I’ve ever work in. Every day was a battle to just get out of bed and go to work, some days I just called in sick because I just couldn’t even think about being there. People treated me like crap. 

I finished my B.A degree last year, since then, and since last September when I quite my job, I’ve been looking for a job in the subject I studied. It’s not easy, you need experience or connections, I have neither. But I keep looking, because the thought of going back to a job like the last one I had just makes me want to die. I just can’t go trough this again.

I live at home with my dad, and as I said I’ve been unemployed for over 9 month, I have no money.

My dad decided to stop buying food, he was always cheap, never bought anything more than needed and even less. But now he just stopped all together. My brother told me to “get my self together and go find a job until I’ll find out what I want to do with my life and stop wining”. I know what I want to do, I’m looking for a job in what I want to do, but he doesn’t get it. He and my dad thinks I just sit at home all day doing nothing, like I like it.

So now, if I want to eat and not feel shitty about myself like they make me feel, I need to find a job I will suffer in, a job I’d rather kill myself than work in it. And no one seems to care or understand how fucking hard it is.     


When people who knows you don’t give you

29 May

When people who knows you don’t give you any kind of motivation and the people who don’t do, who should you listen to? 


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