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I have a problem

20 Jul

I work in frontal customer service and I don’t know how to be “nice” to people. I just want to say that I love my job, but I really need help with the talking to people part because I don’t know what to do.

I hate strangers, I’m a person who didn’t talk to anyone most of her life. And I mean ANYONE. I talked to my mom but that wasn’t really a long an meaningful conversations. I talk to my co workers but that’s just work stuff and jokes and that too after a few months of adjusting and opening up.

When I was in the fifth grade I was sick during class and I raised my hand to be excused to go to the bathroom. Luckily we had a system where is you had to go you’d raise two fingers and the teacher will know, unluckily the teacher was a bitch. You need to understand that even raising my hand was hard for me, I HATE any social interaction, but I did it, with a bit of convincing from my friend. But the teacher decided that she wants me to TELL her what I want, I didn’t’ I ended up throwing up in the middle of the class.

I haven’t change much since then, I still don’t talk to strangers, even a therapist, I tried that and just sat there for an hour staring at the wall. I don’t feel comfortable, I don’t feel safe, I just don’t like it! Writing anonymously on a blog gives me anxiety.

So when strangers come to me at work I really do my best to be nice, but when they start to argue or raise their voice I just don’t know what to do. I just reflect to them their behavior and of course that that makes me really rude. But I really don’t know how to handle this. All I want when a person comes to me is for them to go away.

I’m 32 years old, I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life, I don’t want to be alone all the time because I can’t talk to anyone, not even my “friends”. Of course I don’t really have friends.

I don’t know what to do and I need help.

24 Apr

I don’t know how to explain myself. 

I don’t talk when I’m around strangers, and if they don’t try and have a conversation with me I will always see them as strangers. Like with my family, I don’t say anything when something bothers me so they just ignore me and blame my isolation on me. 

I’m always angry, I don’t know how not to be. I wish I could just not give a shit about everything and won’t let people annoy me so easily. 

Not being able to talk to strangers keeps me from going on dates, because what’s the point if I’ll just sit there and won’t say anything. 

I never say what’s bothering me and I guess everything is just stuck inside me and this is why I’m mad and annoyed all the time, and I don’t want to be. 

I can’t go to therapy, I tried that, and you guessed it: I set there for an hour and stared at the wall. 

I’m just tired and I just want to be normal. And I hate myself for being like this. 

20 Feb

Remember the A hole dentist that traumatized me? Well I went back to him so he’d fix what he did and so I could actually close my mouth and I went with a friend. 

Now this was the friend who tried to help and ask my brother for help so she knew how I felt aftet and she knew I was mad at him. Nevertheless she decided to bring her own x rays so he’d look at them. And if it wasn’t clear to her that it’s NOT cool I made it clear that same day. 

Because IMO, and correct me if I’m wrong, telling him you want him to treat you kind of say to him (and everyone else ) that you believe he did nothing wrong. Right?  So I told her that it really hurt me and that this is what it means. It means she agrees with him, even though she saw how I was afterwards. 

And now I found out that she still talks to him and plan to go see him. 

Now maybe I give to much meaning to the word friendship, I really don’t know because I don’t have many friends, even the ones I have I don’t trust (I guess this is why). But personally I would never do anything to hurt them, no matter what. 

This friend is also friends with people I don’t really like, and that’s cool, but I told her that it’s really insulting that she spends more time with them and just ignore me. Now every time I tell her something like this she say “it’s all in your head”. But when she doesn’t tell me things and then ansewr me like a complete bitch, because in her head I already know something she never told me, she gets mad that I’m mad at her. 

You see, it’s fine when she treat me like garbage but when I call her on it she gets hurt. 

And this is why I trust no one and I’m alone. Because everyone are just shit. 

30 Oct

Apparently my friends now think that every little thing I do is annoying just because there’s this new girl at work who doesn’t like me.

I feel like I’m in fucking high school again.

And what’s hurt the most is that they don’t see that they are different around me. I asked one of them if she wants to go out for a drink (which she knows means “I need someone to talk to”), and she said she prefer to go for a show with the new girl and my other friend.
So I basically just spent the night crying by myself.

I’m done

3 Oct

so you know by now that my brother is an asshole, and that he doesn’t care about me.

well, yesterday was Rosh Hashna and we were invited to our cousiens, but I didn’t go becuase I really don’t want to see him. He think he can act like nothing happened, and like he did me this big favor so I can’t be mad at him, you see, I’m the bad person here of course.

So I didn’t go, I stayed home crying instead. And of course no one cared enough to call or text because no one cares about me, not even my family.

Well then, I’m done!

I’m done with people treating me like crap! I’m done with caring about people who don’t even give a shit about me! I’m not gonna be like my mother, I’m not gonna let people shit all over me and eat myself up about it until it killes me.

I’M DONE!

If my own brother think he can treat me like crap just because I’m boring, or just because I won’t share my feelings with him, (becuase he just keeps proving I should do that right?) then he can go fuck himself for all I care.

If you don’t give a shit about me, I won’t give a shit about you.

This is my new year desicion.

 

 

 

22 Aug

Maybe I’m really a terrible person and I deserve this shit from people, because I really don’t know why everyone treat me like crap.

I hate dentists

18 Aug

Like really hate them!!

I hate going to the dentist, I always shake and cry and I haven’t been to one for over ten years. Until two months ago when I literally had to.

I went to a friend of my brother and he was really nice, he gave me a discount and he gave me laughing gas who turned out to be REALLY helpful.

But last week for some reason he didn’t turn the gas on. Needless to say that I felt really shitty during the treatment, I didn’t let him do his job, I didn’t stop shaking and crying.

He said that everything was ok, “just sn ordinary treatment”. He claims he did open the gas (even tho I SAW that he didn’t!!) And he doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions or ask for forgiveness.

And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back to him because he is obviously a liar and he show is true face. But I can’t eat anything cold and I can’t just stay with what he did because it’s not comfortable, because I was in too much shock to tell him of course.

And I’ve been crying for a week now because of this asshole. And of course my brother doesn’t care.