Tag Archives: Depression

I have a problem

20 Jul

I work in frontal customer service and I don’t know how to be “nice” to people. I just want to say that I love my job, but I really need help with the talking to people part because I don’t know what to do.

I hate strangers, I’m a person who didn’t talk to anyone most of her life. And I mean ANYONE. I talked to my mom but that wasn’t really a long an meaningful conversations. I talk to my co workers but that’s just work stuff and jokes and that too after a few months of adjusting and opening up.

When I was in the fifth grade I was sick during class and I raised my hand to be excused to go to the bathroom. Luckily we had a system where is you had to go you’d raise two fingers and the teacher will know, unluckily the teacher was a bitch. You need to understand that even raising my hand was hard for me, I HATE any social interaction, but I did it, with a bit of convincing from my friend. But the teacher decided that she wants me to TELL her what I want, I didn’t’ I ended up throwing up in the middle of the class.

I haven’t change much since then, I still don’t talk to strangers, even a therapist, I tried that and just sat there for an hour staring at the wall. I don’t feel comfortable, I don’t feel safe, I just don’t like it! Writing anonymously on a blog gives me anxiety.

So when strangers come to me at work I really do my best to be nice, but when they start to argue or raise their voice I just don’t know what to do. I just reflect to them their behavior and of course that that makes me really rude. But I really don’t know how to handle this. All I want when a person comes to me is for them to go away.

I’m 32 years old, I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life, I don’t want to be alone all the time because I can’t talk to anyone, not even my “friends”. Of course I don’t really have friends.

I don’t know what to do and I need help.

24 Apr

I don’t know how to explain myself. 

I don’t talk when I’m around strangers, and if they don’t try and have a conversation with me I will always see them as strangers. Like with my family, I don’t say anything when something bothers me so they just ignore me and blame my isolation on me. 

I’m always angry, I don’t know how not to be. I wish I could just not give a shit about everything and won’t let people annoy me so easily. 

Not being able to talk to strangers keeps me from going on dates, because what’s the point if I’ll just sit there and won’t say anything. 

I never say what’s bothering me and I guess everything is just stuck inside me and this is why I’m mad and annoyed all the time, and I don’t want to be. 

I can’t go to therapy, I tried that, and you guessed it: I set there for an hour and stared at the wall. 

I’m just tired and I just want to be normal. And I hate myself for being like this. 

I’m done

3 Oct

so you know by now that my brother is an asshole, and that he doesn’t care about me.

well, yesterday was Rosh Hashna and we were invited to our cousiens, but I didn’t go becuase I really don’t want to see him. He think he can act like nothing happened, and like he did me this big favor so I can’t be mad at him, you see, I’m the bad person here of course.

So I didn’t go, I stayed home crying instead. And of course no one cared enough to call or text because no one cares about me, not even my family.

Well then, I’m done!

I’m done with people treating me like crap! I’m done with caring about people who don’t even give a shit about me! I’m not gonna be like my mother, I’m not gonna let people shit all over me and eat myself up about it until it killes me.

I’M DONE!

If my own brother think he can treat me like crap just because I’m boring, or just because I won’t share my feelings with him, (becuase he just keeps proving I should do that right?) then he can go fuck himself for all I care.

If you don’t give a shit about me, I won’t give a shit about you.

This is my new year desicion.

 

 

 

Aside 10 Sep

I don’t know if I should go to a Psychiatrist and ask for antidepressants. On one hand I don’t want to relay on pills to feel better, and I don’t think I really need them (if people weren’t shit and I had a job I think I’d be better).

But on the other hand I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I can’t take it anymore

8 Sep

I just want to die.

 

So that was the last few days:

On Wednesday my brothers were at my aunt for dinner, and of course no one told me. So I get a message

“where are you?” 

“where am I suppose to be?”

“at our aunt” 

“thanks for the notice”

Of course they were like “oh ok, she’s not coming let’s just eat”, and when I call them about being ass holes they blame me for not caring about myself because “if I won’t no one else will”. I blame them for forgetting about me and not caring and they respond in “yeah we don’t care”. Great.

So that was my fault.

On Thursday it was my birthday, of course that 90% of my very few “friends” forgot about it. They still don’y know they did. 

And today my brother told me to download something using HIS istore account and when I told him I need his password of course the blame went to…. Did you guess? Yep ME!

“you’re doing something wrong, you didn’t download it right, you didn’t use the right link”  

 

So that’s the people who surround me, and they make me feel like shit, and I just don’t see the point in continuing living  

The Invisible Girl

16 Aug

So last week me and my brother went to our aunt for friday night dinner. 

And you know when people talk and the you say something but no one listen, and then a couple of minutes later someone says exactly what you did but in a way like they just thought about it?

So that was the whole night, me saying things and a couple of minutes later my brother repeat what I said like it was his idea.

My aunt did the same only she recognized me, so not the same. I said that something reminds me of something else, and a couple of minutes later she said “it does look the same”.

Other then that, my brother and two cousins made plans to go to a comedy show this weekend, they did their best not to invite me by not not invite me. And a couple of minutes ago my cousin checked in with both of them on Facebook.

My own family hates me and don’t want to spend time with me, and then wonders why I’m shy and have trust issues. If people who “knows” me don’t care why would total strangers will? 

I guess I’m really a shitty person who just damned to be alone for the rest of her life   

Nothing New

5 Jul

I still haven’t found a job. 

I go to job interviews, but I really bad at them. I can’t “sell” myself, I don’t think I’m good enough for the job and I know they can fund someone better. I don’t have strengths, and I really hate talking to people.

And every time I send my resume and don’t get an answer, or I go to an interview and get rejected, I hate myself more. I will never have a normal life, friends, boyfriend, family…

And my dad way to “motivate” me is to not buy food and hygiene products, and to claim he has no money (and I know that it’s a lie).

 And I don’t know why I don’t just kill myself and get it over with