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I have a problem

20 Jul

I work in frontal customer service and I don’t know how to be “nice” to people. I just want to say that I love my job, but I really need help with the talking to people part because I don’t know what to do.

I hate strangers, I’m a person who didn’t talk to anyone most of her life. And I mean ANYONE. I talked to my mom but that wasn’t really a long an meaningful conversations. I talk to my co workers but that’s just work stuff and jokes and that too after a few months of adjusting and opening up.

When I was in the fifth grade I was sick during class and I raised my hand to be excused to go to the bathroom. Luckily we had a system where is you had to go you’d raise two fingers and the teacher will know, unluckily the teacher was a bitch. You need to understand that even raising my hand was hard for me, I HATE any social interaction, but I did it, with a bit of convincing from my friend. But the teacher decided that she wants me to TELL her what I want, I didn’t’ I ended up throwing up in the middle of the class.

I haven’t change much since then, I still don’t talk to strangers, even a therapist, I tried that and just sat there for an hour staring at the wall. I don’t feel comfortable, I don’t feel safe, I just don’t like it! Writing anonymously on a blog gives me anxiety.

So when strangers come to me at work I really do my best to be nice, but when they start to argue or raise their voice I just don’t know what to do. I just reflect to them their behavior and of course that that makes me really rude. But I really don’t know how to handle this. All I want when a person comes to me is for them to go away.

I’m 32 years old, I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life, I don’t want to be alone all the time because I can’t talk to anyone, not even my “friends”. Of course I don’t really have friends.

I don’t know what to do and I need help.

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Buffy will always matter

6 Mar

Buffy The Vampire Slayer is 20 this week, and I know that there’s a lot of “What I learned from it” posts on the internet but I wanted to made my own because this wasn’t just another TV show for me, it was a lot more than that.

Buffy taught me about feminism obviously, she taught me that you don’t need a man or to be in a relationship to be happy. That somethims being alone is better, that “No guy is worth your life, not ever”.

She taught me philosophy, existentialism and absord. She open my ming to sci-fi and other shows and movies. She taught me English and sarcasm.

She taught me that everyone’s lives matter, even the ones you truly hate, the really bad people, their lives matter. Good and evil is not black and white, “bad guys” can be good and “good guys” can be bad. You can’t believe everything people say, you need to get to the truth yourself. Criticize the world and be curious about everything, ask questions even if you think they’re stupid.

She taught me that bad things happens for no reason and without warning, life is random. That it doesn’t take a day to get over the bad things that happens to you, sometimes you never get over them. But the most important thing is that you keep going, you keep fighting, because “Strong is fighting”. That “That hardest thing in this world is to live in it”.

She taught me that friendship is based on trust and loyalty and that family is not necessarily blood. That you are who you are and if other people don’t like it it’s their problem. Never change who you are just because other people think you should. The people who will matter in your life will always be there for you.

She taught me all of this and more when I was just a shy 12 year girl with no friends. When I haven’t talked to anyone all day, never said a word she made me reach out and find friends online on blogs and message board, friends from all over the world that are still with me to this day.

She saved my life. A lot.

Back in the cave

17 Oct

TVwatch85

Yesterday I tried to have a conversation with a friend about the new Pixar short film Borrowed Time. Now this friend is a film student and she goes to lectures about films and all that.

But when I tried to start a debate about this, and what I think about the issue, she blocked me and wasn’t very interested to talk about it. Now I don’t know if this is because she think I have no idea what I’m tallking about (tho I do have a B.A in the subject, she doesn’t know this). Or because she just doesn’t want to share or talk about what she knows.

But this is something that happens a lot lately, pepole just don’t talk about things, like really talk about them you know?

This is also the problem I have with this short film.

I mean yeah cool, this is a fucking awesome film but why don’t…

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I’m done

3 Oct

so you know by now that my brother is an asshole, and that he doesn’t care about me.

well, yesterday was Rosh Hashna and we were invited to our cousiens, but I didn’t go becuase I really don’t want to see him. He think he can act like nothing happened, and like he did me this big favor so I can’t be mad at him, you see, I’m the bad person here of course.

So I didn’t go, I stayed home crying instead. And of course no one cared enough to call or text because no one cares about me, not even my family.

Well then, I’m done!

I’m done with people treating me like crap! I’m done with caring about people who don’t even give a shit about me! I’m not gonna be like my mother, I’m not gonna let people shit all over me and eat myself up about it until it killes me.

I’M DONE!

If my own brother think he can treat me like crap just because I’m boring, or just because I won’t share my feelings with him, (becuase he just keeps proving I should do that right?) then he can go fuck himself for all I care.

If you don’t give a shit about me, I won’t give a shit about you.

This is my new year desicion.

 

 

 

Aside 10 Sep

I don’t know if I should go to a Psychiatrist and ask for antidepressants. On one hand I don’t want to relay on pills to feel better, and I don’t think I really need them (if people weren’t shit and I had a job I think I’d be better).

But on the other hand I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I can’t take it anymore

8 Sep

I just want to die.

 

So that was the last few days:

On Wednesday my brothers were at my aunt for dinner, and of course no one told me. So I get a message

“where are you?” 

“where am I suppose to be?”

“at our aunt” 

“thanks for the notice”

Of course they were like “oh ok, she’s not coming let’s just eat”, and when I call them about being ass holes they blame me for not caring about myself because “if I won’t no one else will”. I blame them for forgetting about me and not caring and they respond in “yeah we don’t care”. Great.

So that was my fault.

On Thursday it was my birthday, of course that 90% of my very few “friends” forgot about it. They still don’y know they did. 

And today my brother told me to download something using HIS istore account and when I told him I need his password of course the blame went to…. Did you guess? Yep ME!

“you’re doing something wrong, you didn’t download it right, you didn’t use the right link”  

 

So that’s the people who surround me, and they make me feel like shit, and I just don’t see the point in continuing living  

The Invisible Girl

16 Aug

So last week me and my brother went to our aunt for friday night dinner. 

And you know when people talk and the you say something but no one listen, and then a couple of minutes later someone says exactly what you did but in a way like they just thought about it?

So that was the whole night, me saying things and a couple of minutes later my brother repeat what I said like it was his idea.

My aunt did the same only she recognized me, so not the same. I said that something reminds me of something else, and a couple of minutes later she said “it does look the same”.

Other then that, my brother and two cousins made plans to go to a comedy show this weekend, they did their best not to invite me by not not invite me. And a couple of minutes ago my cousin checked in with both of them on Facebook.

My own family hates me and don’t want to spend time with me, and then wonders why I’m shy and have trust issues. If people who “knows” me don’t care why would total strangers will? 

I guess I’m really a shitty person who just damned to be alone for the rest of her life