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24 Apr

I don’t know how to explain myself. 

I don’t talk when I’m around strangers, and if they don’t try and have a conversation with me I will always see them as strangers. Like with my family, I don’t say anything when something bothers me so they just ignore me and blame my isolation on me. 

I’m always angry, I don’t know how not to be. I wish I could just not give a shit about everything and won’t let people annoy me so easily. 

Not being able to talk to strangers keeps me from going on dates, because what’s the point if I’ll just sit there and won’t say anything. 

I never say what’s bothering me and I guess everything is just stuck inside me and this is why I’m mad and annoyed all the time, and I don’t want to be. 

I can’t go to therapy, I tried that, and you guessed it: I set there for an hour and stared at the wall. 

I’m just tired and I just want to be normal. And I hate myself for being like this. 

Buffy will always matter

6 Mar

Buffy The Vampire Slayer is 20 this week, and I know that there’s a lot of “What I learned from it” posts on the internet but I wanted to made my own because this wasn’t just another TV show for me, it was a lot more than that.

Buffy taught me about feminism obviously, she taught me that you don’t need a man or to be in a relationship to be happy. That somethims being alone is better, that “No guy is worth your life, not ever”.

She taught me philosophy, existentialism and absord. She open my ming to sci-fi and other shows and movies. She taught me English and sarcasm.

She taught me that everyone’s lives matter, even the ones you truly hate, the really bad people, their lives matter. Good and evil is not black and white, “bad guys” can be good and “good guys” can be bad. You can’t believe everything people say, you need to get to the truth yourself. Criticize the world and be curious about everything, ask questions even if you think they’re stupid.

She taught me that bad things happens for no reason and without warning, life is random. That it doesn’t take a day to get over the bad things that happens to you, sometimes you never get over them. But the most important thing is that you keep going, you keep fighting, because “Strong is fighting”. That “That hardest thing in this world is to live in it”.

She taught me that friendship is based on trust and loyalty and that family is not necessarily blood. That you are who you are and if other people don’t like it it’s their problem. Never change who you are just because other people think you should. The people who will matter in your life will always be there for you.

She taught me all of this and more when I was just a shy 12 year girl with no friends. When I haven’t talked to anyone all day, never said a word she made me reach out and find friends online on blogs and message board, friends from all over the world that are still with me to this day.

She saved my life. A lot.

I’m done

3 Oct

so you know by now that my brother is an asshole, and that he doesn’t care about me.

well, yesterday was Rosh Hashna and we were invited to our cousiens, but I didn’t go becuase I really don’t want to see him. He think he can act like nothing happened, and like he did me this big favor so I can’t be mad at him, you see, I’m the bad person here of course.

So I didn’t go, I stayed home crying instead. And of course no one cared enough to call or text because no one cares about me, not even my family.

Well then, I’m done!

I’m done with people treating me like crap! I’m done with caring about people who don’t even give a shit about me! I’m not gonna be like my mother, I’m not gonna let people shit all over me and eat myself up about it until it killes me.

I’M DONE!

If my own brother think he can treat me like crap just because I’m boring, or just because I won’t share my feelings with him, (becuase he just keeps proving I should do that right?) then he can go fuck himself for all I care.

If you don’t give a shit about me, I won’t give a shit about you.

This is my new year desicion.

 

 

 

22 Aug

Maybe I’m really a terrible person and I deserve this shit from people, because I really don’t know why everyone treat me like crap.

I hate dentists

18 Aug

Like really hate them!!

I hate going to the dentist, I always shake and cry and I haven’t been to one for over ten years. Until two months ago when I literally had to.

I went to a friend of my brother and he was really nice, he gave me a discount and he gave me laughing gas who turned out to be REALLY helpful.

But last week for some reason he didn’t turn the gas on. Needless to say that I felt really shitty during the treatment, I didn’t let him do his job, I didn’t stop shaking and crying.

He said that everything was ok, “just sn ordinary treatment”. He claims he did open the gas (even tho I SAW that he didn’t!!) And he doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions or ask for forgiveness.

And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back to him because he is obviously a liar and he show is true face. But I can’t eat anything cold and I can’t just stay with what he did because it’s not comfortable, because I was in too much shock to tell him of course.

And I’ve been crying for a week now because of this asshole. And of course my brother doesn’t care.

26 Mar

So I moved in to an apartment in Tel Aviv with my cousin and she’s driving me crazy!!

She leaves her dirty dishes in the sink and on the table so not only did I woke up today to find a cockroach on the cup of coffee she left, but of course I didn’t have a clean spoon left because for some reason they were all in the sink.

And the top of the morning was her underwear in the bathroom sink.

And every time I ask her clean after herself, or that this things really bother me, all she have to say is “chill out, it’s just one cup, stop bothering me all the time”.

She just act like she lives here alone, I got use to the fact that I have to clean the apartment alone or that she won’t wash the dishes right away, or that the washing machine will be full of her clothes because she’s too lazy to take them out (a washing machine I paid for btw.

But this it too fucking much! Why do I need to get up and find a cockroach in my kitchen or underwear in the sink??!!

I don’t know if all people are just shit or is it something about me that makes them act like assholes.

But my family is full of assholes on both sides.

6 Nov

My dad just stop buying food, I mean yeah he buys food, for himself and his girlfriend. So I bought me some food for myself, and I just walked into the kitchen and saw that they cooked it for themselves.

Of course I just spilled all of it in the garbage because fuck them they won’t get to be assholes and get away with it.

And I might found an apartment but it’s not a fone deal yet and I just want it to be already because I can’t stand this anymore!!!

And it’s Friday night so I don’t want to bother anyone with my bullshit, and I’m so mad right now so here I am taking it out on the internet.